A Typical or Atypical Pastor's Wife-whichever one you come to believe

Welcome to the barnyard. Watch your step! The things written here are raw and unedited. Just my thoughts thrown on a page as they flow from my heart.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Mysteries of Colonoscopies Revealed!

I'm on a mission to dispel all the fallacies concerning the battery of tests that 50 year olds are asked to endure.  I've already exposed the myths concerning the mammogram.  Today, we're more to the end of all things-the colonoscopy.

The first clue that you are in trouble is when they want to do something to your body that you can hardly pronounce.

What is a colonoscopy? Besides being that word that all the sudden pops into your life at age 50 and relentlessly hounds you until you consent, it's also a copy of the inside of your colon.  Yes, that's right folks.  They shove a camera up your tukus and take photos.  And if they find anything they don't like, they crop it and send it off for further review. 

You get to eat a "special" diet for 3 days before the procedure.

Three days before they take away popcorn.  That's like taking water from a fish for me.  I love popcorn. It is the largest part of my daily food triangle.   I'm convinced that the manna from heaven was popcorn and the Israelites feasted on popcorn balls everyday.  So I do too.
Two days before they remove dairy products from your diet.  As a former dairy farmer, just let me say that living without popcorn AND cheese is impossible.
The day before, they just remove ALL solids from your diet and replace it with yellow and orange Gatorade laced with dangerous amounts of laxative.  That might not sound so bad except I HATE yellow and orange Gatorade!  And diarrhea is not that fun either.  The "lax-ing" from Mirolax is NO miracle!

It just so happened that the day before my procedure was Sunday so I got to go to church and watch the whole congregation chomping on doughnuts before Sunday school.  Then after church I watched my family inhale two large pizzas, sour cream and onion potato chips, macaroni and cheese and hot dogs.  I sat idly by sipping my clear chicken broth and the G2 juice which is aptly named because it made me Go #2 ALL DAY LONG! 

After a long day in "the room I'd rather not mention", I was thankful to fall into bed but sleep was fleeting as I laid there awaiting the 4am alarm to tell me that it was time to get up and repeat the G2 experience all over again, hopefully completing the process before 9:00am when I was scheduled for the operating room.  Just thinking about the ramifications of not having expelled all the laxative generated material before they blow air up there is too much to bear.

Unlike other operations, colonoscopies do not totally rob you of your dignity (or your clothing-however you choose to think about it).  You do get to keep your socks on.  Heaven forbid that your toes would be cold while they blow air up your backside and insert a digital camera!  That would be so distracting!  They also provide you with the latest in operation room garb-really fluffy blue socks with tacky, white elastic that comes with a free hat to match.  It's like the retro-garb of the 50's housewife.  Bedroom slippers, ugly bathrobes and hair nets. 

The actual procedure is the most enjoyable and bearable part of the whole process.  That's because they knock you out.  Yep, you are off to la-la land.  You wake up all snugly beneath pre-warmed blankets and feeling absolutely nothing and absolutely wonderful at the same time! 

You get to be chauffeured home.   My hubby took off work just to drive me home.  Did I mention that he also had to steer me from the exit door to the car door as well?  In my drug induced stupor, I found myself wondering why I had "just said no" as a teenager because I felt pretty good.  And because they had inflated my colon with air before the procedure, even my teenage boys would have been impressed at the amount of gas I was able to pass.  Not very lady-like, but a fact I cannot deny.

The good thing was that once it was over, it was over.  No pain, no after effects, except that you're really sleepy and hungry and hungry and hungry.  But the next day, you hardly remember that you had one.  Who would want to??? 

I'm coming to the conclusion that turning 50 really stinks!  PUN INTENDED!


  1. lol, this is just a perfect desription! I also do the popcorn and/or cheese alot. Thanks for the smiles


  2. I'm nearing 50, & your post just got me wondering about things, but in a sunshine mood :-)))

    My mom-in-law had one last year for investigative purposes, & at her age it wasn't fun at all, especially since the investigation didn't "reveal" what needed to be known/found !

    Stay fit, healthy & happy :-)

  3. Hi! It is 10:34pm on August 1, 2013. Don't know if you are still 'there' But I just want you to know I found this about your colonoscopy. I must say, I laughed as I read it. I have had 2. And I agree the prep is NO fun. BUT I absolutely love the trip to 'la-la-land'! That is the best part for sure! lol
    Thanks again for the laugh.

  4. I have had a colonoscopy three times, at five year intervals. As I aged they became more challenging. the last one was a nightmare. I arrived in emergency at the hospital the night before, as I had been violently vomiting for several hours. The car trip, a one hour drive over rough roads, was horrendous. My husband, bless his soul, was a real trouper. Between vomiting into a bucket and sitting on a plastic bag to control the effects of the laxative, I was reeking mess when I walked into the emergency department, bucket in hand. They got the vomiting under control, and I managed to wash a bit with coarse paper towels in the washroom. I was dehydrated enough that it took four painful attempts to insert the intravenous, which they removed to send me across the hospital to the day surgery. When they released me in the morning to walk over to day surgery, I was exhausted and still quite smelly. It took 24 hours to recover from the anaesthetic. The colonoscopy itself was uneventful, and painless. I doubt I will actually survive the next colonoscopy prep, in five years time, I will be that much older! My experience is with the Canadian health care system.

  5. Dear Anonymous,
    Your story has convinced me that one colonoscopy is quite enough! I'm so sorry that you had such a hard time. I hope that I can't write this story the next time I'm forced to have one! Thanks for sharing! I totally agree that the prep is the worst part!

  6. I had a sigmoidoscopy wide awake before I was sent for the complete procedure, and believe me, it's better with drugs! Very painful, with severe cramping, and they still blew in the air. I'd rather give birth again!

  7. Dear Anonymous, I had to look up what a sigmoidoscopy was! I wouldn't want to do either again! And if it compares at all to childbirth, well, that's just horrible! Thank you for sharing your agony with me and I highly recommend a colonoscopy the next time because you get to sleep through it!