Caution: If you are looking for spiritual material today, this is NOT it! If you're looking to feel better about yourself, this is the place for you! No one who can read this could possibly do something this stupid.
Did you ever do something really stupid, by accident? Well, that seems to be my normal MO (mode of operation). A few weeks ago I went somewhere with my hubby and as we were getting into the car to go home, I split my pants. No, I blew the whole backside out of them. This is still a bit of a mystery to me because I have lost weight and they were fitting really loose. I guess maybe they had slid down and were being stretched in an area where they weren't used to being stretched or something, but they literally blew right off the back of my tukus. So when we got home, I curled them up and put them in a closet, thinking that they would make good patch material for my teen's jeans that are forever developing holes in the knees--purely by accident, of course! (or so they say)
This weekend, I, the illustrious Pastor's wife, who has life completely all together all the time-isn't that the normal MO for every Pastor's wife? Isn't that part of "the mold" we all conform to?-anyway, I decided to trade in my shorts for a pair of jeans the other day. Jeans just look better. So I reached in the closet and grabbed the closest pair. I already had my favorite shirt on, so I didn't bother to do anything but fix my hair in the mirror before I left the house. I was very busy that day and only had a few hours to get everything done, so I was, as usual, hurrying.
I went about my day running errands in the community (including the bank and the local high school office). I fixed dinner and invited the neighbor boy to eat with us. Then we took our kids to church, dropping them off for a youth retreat. So I strolled around the church with some of the parents and in front of all the youth, never dreaming that my pants looked like the newest ad campaign for Abercrobie and Fitch. Then my hubby and I went over to the mall to eat some dinner. We strolled around awhile waiting for our table to become available, going in expensive jewelery stores and the local Radio Shack. It was a wonderful evening until......right before bed I discovered that I had been wearing the pair of jeans with the whole backside hanging in shreds!!!!
All the blood in my whole body immediately raced to my face as my mind raced to remember where I had gone that day. Just as I was about to pass out gasping for air, I remembered that I had worn my longest sweatshirt jacket a lot of the day because I carry a concealed weapon. Whew! What are relief! But I can't carry the weapon on school property, so I'm still a little unclear about the trip to the local high school. If the secretaries noticed my pants, I'll bet that gave them some fresh homeschool fodder.
As I climbed into bed, feeling more stupid than I have in a very long time, I really had to fight the urge to never go out in public again. I fought the urge to wake my hubby and tell him the whole sordid tale, in hopes that somehow he could make it all better like he usually does, but I realized that nothing could fix this one.
Moral of the story:
~Just as you do with junk mail, only touch junk pants one time, disposing of them immediately! If you need patches, buy them at the fabric store.
~Wear a concealed fire arm and save your dignity.
~When you lose weight, buy new pants
~Make good use of your bathroom mirror--it may save face, and backside!
~And as my mamma always said..."wear your best underwear when you go out in public". Now...after all these years, that really makes sense to me!