A Typical or Atypical Pastor's Wife-whichever one you come to believe



Welcome to the barnyard. Watch your step! The things written here are raw and unedited. Just my thoughts thrown on a page as they flow from my heart.



Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Amish Bondage Bread

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH! There is a slimy muck slowly taking over my kitchen, reproducing at an alarming rate. It’s called Amish Friendship Bread sour dough starter! These bags of sour dough starter are everywhere! You know what I’m talking about , those bags of sourdough starter that one of your “former” friends who was desperate to be rid of her bags of sourdough starter pawned off on you in an attempt to "not break the chain and let the recipe secret be lost forever!!

"If you’re going to grow this stuff in your kitchen, you might as well have another baby or puppies or rabbits. You spend 10 days massaging it and adding valuable ingredients like milk, flour, and sugar! Problem is, after 10 days, you have 5 more bags of it, 4 to give away and one to continue to care for. Now maybe the Amish have that many friends, but I don't! I was out of friends by the end of the month, and now my friends are trying to give me bags made from the starter that I gave to them!What’s a girl to do?? These bags are taking over my kitchen-literally!!!

One even got so brazen as to explode! It oozed out like living slime, coating everything in it’s path and worked its way over the counter and slowly down the dishwasher leaving a 1/2 inch thick layer of stinky, disgusting curdles in it's wake! At least it's one less bag I have to get rid of! Maybe I should do what Barney Fife did when Aunt Bee made those kerosene cucumbers! I’ll stand on the county line and award a bag of starter to anyone foolish enough to let me flag them down as they head out of the county!

I had a bright idea! I dumped two bags of starter into my bowl, added 3 cups of flour, 3 cups of sugar and 3 cups of milk thinking that it would use up an extra bag that I wouldn’t have to get rid of. Duh??????????? What was I thinking? Do you know how much starter that is?????? Now what am I going to do? Go to the store and buy extra flour, milk and sugar because now we’re talking 3 cups of each instead of 1 ½. With no friends, and a family who is absolutely ape over this bread, what can I do????? Hmmmmmmmmm....let's see, each cup of starter makes 2 loaves of bread. Each 2 loaves takes milk, applesauce, baking soda, baking powder, mile, eggs-3 of them, cinnamon, vanilla, salt, and a large box of vanilla pudding! So, let's see at 2 loaves per cup, I'll only have to bake.........12 loaves of bread!!! No wonder this is an Amish recipe! They each have a dozen kids!!!! And probably a dozen baking pans!! That's one loaf per kid per 10 days. That's do able!The frustrating part is that according to the recipe, "only the Amish have this starter recipe", so if you give it all away or, heaven forbid, you flush it down the garbage disposal--shhhh, the recipe will lost forever, or at least until you find some desperate person that is looking to escape from the curse of the ziploc bags as I am!

What will I do when my kids ask for the bread and I have no starter to make more?? Will I have to drive to Amish country and beg at each farm for some more of the “secret” Amish goop? This bread is not blessing friendships, this is cursed bread! This bread should be called Amish bondage bread! And if it’s not distributed properly, it can quickly develop into Amish enemy maker bread! Most people I know don't appreciate coming home from work and finding a bag of this stuff haning on their front door! There has to be something else you can do with this stuff!!!

I wonder if it’s good for the skin. The hair??? Hmmmmmmmmmm. How about sourdough starter smoothies, or sour dough pudding! Sour dough pancakes or biscuits. We must find other ways to use this stuff before it grows into a citywide dilemma and becomes a blockbuster movie!! One of my friends used them for Amish biscuits. Maybe we should just find recipes that start with the word “Amish” and assume that we can use it . Surely even the Amish don’t know what to do with all this stuff! I mean, it says right on the instructions that this recipe could be lost—forever! Surely they don’t want this to be lost so someone has to be be designated to grow this stuff in their kitchen! The question is, how would you find them!!! They don’t even have telephones!

This may explain their bizarre behavior after a snow storm! They’re not really plowing the snow under, they are secretly spreading sour dough starter! Surely someone along the way has paid off an Amish person and gotten this recipe and posted it on the internet!!!……...........BRB Yep!! I am right!!!

So today marks the end of my bondage to Amish Friendship bread. I am going to mix my last bowl of starter, put it in the Ziploc bags, and put it in my freezer! Then I can bake this delicious bread when I feel like it! And when my bags have all been frozen and baked, I’ll just make some more of that “secret” starter and start all over again!! I’m free! I’m free!!

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